“I don’t know.” Three little words that the majority of the world seems unwilling to utter. I have been trapped in a quagmire of indecision. This is indecision about big, life-altering things. I’ve been thinking about re-entering the work world and putting my kids in a local private school, instead of homeschooling. Don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE LOVE homeschool. I think it can be done really well. I know my kids are thriving. However, sometimes I don’t feel like I am doing very well. As the kids get older, and easier, I find myself getting bored more frequently. However, there’s still the constant sludge through daily work. Sometimes I fantasize about someone else taking care of my kids while I get to wear dressy clothes in an office full of adults. I’m not saying working moms have it easier, and I really don’t want to launch one of those wars. I just wonder if it wouldn’t be better for my mental health to get out of the house and into the wider world of adults.
Almost on a whim, I applied to a couple of jobs at my alma mater, which happens to be a 10 minute walk away. I haven’t heard anything yet, and wonder how I will respond if offered a job. It would mean putting my kids into (very good) private school down the road. It would mean big changes. I’m worried about how the new work schedule and school schedule would affect our families travels and adventures. Freedom in our schedule for travel has always been one of our reasons for homeschooling. Also, the classical model of education, the inclusion of Latin (which the school down the street does not have) and plenty of free time for nature and play for my little guy, who needs the outlet for his enthusiasm.
The additional income would take a burden off my husbands shoulder’s. He is a full time PhD student and money is tight and will get tighter before he finishes. My daughter is worried about being able to attend her many activities. Not the least of which is her lovely Girl Scout troop composed entirely of homeschoolers. They meet during school hours and she would not be able to continue.
Soooooo…..as I talk to people about this, it becomes murkier and muddier. I honestly don’t know which path is right, or even which one I prefer. Right now, I’m trying to keep my foot in both doors to keep them open while I wait, and think, and breathe.
In some ways I am very privileged to be able to make choices in my life. So many people have to take whatever work is available. Others don’t have the choice to stay home. Both of my options look appealing to me, for different reasons, and I’m sure that whatever decision I make, there will be days where I wish I had made the opposite choice.
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.James Joyce
But I’m not afraid of failure. I’m not afraid of being wrong. I’m not afraid of rethinking things and making changes when something doesn’t work. I’m not afraid to admit mistakes. Those qualities have led me to some of my most proud accomplishments. A wonderful friend once told me I was allowed to change my mind. Whatever happens, I’m sure I’ll be revisiting my choice in another 6 months, wondering if I should continue on my current path. I choose to believe that this make me brave, not indecisive.
Being at ease with not knowing is crucial for answers to come to you.Eckhart Tolle